So this is my first post in almost 2 years. And to be quite honest, it will probably be my last. I don’t really have a lot to offer people anymore.
Down to the subject in question. All my life I have felt inside a bubble. It is as if I am watching the world through a TV screen. I don’t enjoy life and I don’t despise it at the same time. I just don’t have any emotions to draw me into it. Most people have family and friends that they connect with so much, that the world means a lot more to them. I have none of that. Even in the brief moments that I should have felt included in other people’s lives, I never really felt it. I was still stuck behind a glass bubble that I have been trapped in my whole life. It is like playing a video game. Interacting with people, but feeling no connection to them. Because everybody I have ever met interacts with me for a short time, then they go back to their lives that actually has meaning to them. It feels like I never existed.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family to bits, but I don’t feel connected to them. I have nothing in common with anybody I have ever met.
Whilst everybody else is busy living and planning every step of their lives, I feel like I am waiting for my life to end. I don’t want it to end. So don’t start getting all worried about me. I have depression, but I would never top myself. I just am sat here waiting. That is all I feel like I am doing. And it doesn’t matter what anybody does or says, I will forever be in this state. I will forever smile just because I have to. I never feel the true reason to actually smile for my sake.
But please don’t think I am seeking attention or sympathy. I am not. I just needed to write this down. So please after reading this, leave and move on. Enjoy your life as much as you can. Because that is all I ever want all of you to do. Never worry about me or others that become a burden. I will be fine. Once all this life is over, I will be fine.
Goodbye blog. And may whatever the future holds for me just ease my pain a little bit. Maybe give me a reason to feel my first ever real moment of joy, no matter how unlikely that is.
Tom Challis