Waiting For The End

I see a happy couple,

I wish I had had that.

I see a friend going on holiday,

I wish I had that.

I see a friend’s baby,

In another life, I should have had that.

I see a new home for my friends,

I want that.

I see a train approaching,

I wish I have stepped off the platform.

I walk by a busy road,

I should have ran out.

I walk across a bridge,

I should have jumped.

I am dying,

Not of a physical disease,

But of a mental state of loneliness.

I want to be happy,

But I can’t,

When all my future has to offer is a world on my own,

Eating out of a tin of baked beans.

I don’t want this life anymore,

But I am too scared to end it.

One day it will do it for me.

I will never grow old.

Life In A Bubble: Loneliness

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So this is my first post in almost 2 years. And to be quite honest, it will probably be my last. I don’t really have a lot to offer people anymore.

Down to the subject in question. All my life I have felt inside a bubble. It is as if I am watching the world through a TV screen. I don’t enjoy life and I don’t despise it at the same time. I just don’t have any emotions to draw me into it. Most people have family and friends that they connect with so much, that the world means a lot more to them. I have none of that. Even in the brief moments that I should have felt included in other people’s lives, I never really felt it. I was still stuck behind a glass bubble that I have been trapped in my whole life. It is like playing a video game. Interacting with people, but feeling no connection to them. Because everybody I have ever met interacts with me for a short time, then they go back to their lives that actually has meaning to them. It feels like I never existed.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and family to bits, but I don’t feel connected to them. I have nothing in common with anybody I have ever met.

Whilst everybody else is busy living and planning every step of their lives, I feel like I am waiting for my life to end. I don’t want it to end. So don’t start getting all worried about me. I have depression, but I would never top myself. I just am sat here waiting. That is all I feel like I am doing. And it doesn’t matter what anybody does or says, I will forever be in this state. I will forever smile just because I have to. I never feel the true reason to actually smile for my sake.

But please don’t think I am seeking attention or sympathy. I am not. I just needed to write this down. So please after reading this, leave and move on. Enjoy your life as much as you can. Because that is all I ever want all of you to do. Never worry about me or others that become a burden. I will be fine. Once all this life is over, I will be fine.

Goodbye blog. And may whatever the future holds for me just ease my pain a little bit. Maybe give me a reason to feel my first ever real moment of joy, no matter how unlikely that is.

Tom Challis

The Escape Cut Short

I thought I could escape,
This trapped world I was living in,
The dreamscape I was experiencing.

I thought I was free,
From the prison I was born in,
I could see, I thought I could win

I woke up to the familiar place?
The bubble I was stuck in,
The endless maze.

There is no way out,
of this curse set upon me,
I can not escape,
I can not be set free.

~ A poem by Tom Challis

It’s Been A While…Positive Changes

Hello guys and gals. I don’t write to this blog regularly anymore. But I thought I would just pop in to give you an update on my life. And you will be happy to hear, that my life seems to be on the up.

I am now back on the medication. I have been back on it for several months now. For the first time ever, the drugs are working. I don’t often have that black cloud hovering over me now. Of course, I still have the odd days, but nothing will remove my depression for good. All in all though, I am very happy with the progress I have made. The only downside is that I tend to spend a lot more of my time alone; locked up in my bedroom. I watch a lot of movies, listen to a lot of radio and occasionally play games. I don’t really do anything productive in my free time, but I escape my problems by doing things I enjoy.

A few months ago, I decided to make the brave decision to bring back my online talk radio station, DSTT Radio. I have pondered about it for a while. It is good to have something positive and productive to focus on while I am in a happy place in my mind most of the time.

I have been having a lot of trouble with my back though, and this gets me down sometimes. I sleep a lot more on weekends and on my days off because of this. But at least I get the chance to catch up on sleep.

That is all I have to say really. I hope to start writing at least one blog post a month, so until next month…

GOODBYE FOR NOW!

The Painful Sympathy

You shout me down,
Tell  me to get back up,
I’m like, “Shut up, motherfucker”,
You don’t know this fuckin’ hate.
The hate that you caused with your vicious flame,
Destryoying everything in your mother fuckin’ wake.
I’m like, “fuck off, for fuck sake.”
Can’t you see the pain that you caused,
You did it without remorse,
As you destroyed ’em,
As you made ’em,
want to leave you and this fuckin’ world behind.

Over the course of your short, uneducated life, you tore up your past, while making up stories in your own fuckin’ mind.
You tore them apart and dragged me down too,
Even though you made the bullshit excuse, that you never meant to.

It’s funny how what you said now makes sense,
It’s far too late to forgive them.
That’s what I now say about you,
As you pretend to re-build your picture perfect life,
Basing it all on a lie.
I’m so angry, I can’t even cry no more,
Can’t even hurt no more,
Can’t even wish myself out of this fuckin’  existence any more.

So as you gather round and enjoy the weep of me, as I I get no fucking sleep in me,
Just remember how much you’re adored,
Someone out there still loves you more,
More than you’ll ever know,
More than they will ever get the chance to show.

And on the final day,
As we stand in the guilty parade,
That remorse and guilt will fill your veins,
And you know what?
What a fucking shame!

By Tommy G

Today Of All Days – LGBT Special

I am proud of who I am. I do not need to wear rainbow colours to show this. I do however respect Pride as an identity. And those that embrace the Pride events are doing what they feel is best for them. I however see the event as a hijacking of business minds; a way to make money out of sexuality.

I am not saying that Pride Festivals are wrong. They are a vital part of human history. They are there to show how much torture, struggle and pain that our ancestors, family, friends and even ourselves have gone through just to be accepted for who we are, and to live a lie no more.

I am lucky to be in a privaliged situation. I have never suffered any physical abuse because of my sexuality, and my family, friends and community could not be anymore supportive. But some are not so lucky. Some people of different sexuality have been through unimaginable torture, and I hate to say this, but some have been unlucky enough to come through the other side with such unbearable memories. I salute every single one of them. If I didn’t have my friends and family around me, I would refuse to keep on living. So, anybody that has managed to turn their lives around after being rejected by every single person they once loved, have my highest respect and love.

So I will not go around wearing rainbow flags, but I will hold a special place in my heart for all my LGBT friends and allies. We are not better than anybody else, and I for one do not pretend to be so. All I ask for today, is the continued and ever increasing respect for people of all religions, all faiths, and all sexuality.

Purple Rain | Recipe

Ever wondered how to make your own Purple Rain cocktail?

Well here is the recipe. Nice and easy.

http://sourz.co.uk/cocktail/purple-rain

Are The National Lottery Jackpots Always A Bit Excessive?

Are The National Lottery Jackpots always a bit excessive? I agree that their needs to be a National Lottery, and that there needs to be ordinary people that win it. But who really needs to win anything above £10,000,000? Even for me, ten million pounds is far too much to live on, but there needs to be an amount like that to keep the sales of lottery tickets up.

So if I find the prizes excessive, why do I think we still need a National Lottery?
My answer is simple. So many charities and organisations benefit from being awarded national lottery grants. And this needs to continue. But if these funds are funded by the lottery ticket holders, then they still need a substantial prize on offer. if there was no chance of a money prize for entrants, then nobody would buy a ticket. But how anyone can justify over a hundred million going to one individual ticket holder, is beyond me. think of all the charities and organizations that could benefit from that amount of money. And I think that any lottery winner of any substantial amount, should be disqualified from winning any further jackpots.

I do not intend to make people feel guilty when I say this, but I would never keep anything over £1,000,000 if i was awarded the jackpot prize. I would give anything over that amount to charity.
A potential question for people trying to justify there excessive winnings is, If I didn’t win the many tens of millions, then I couldn’t guarantee that the remaining money would go to the charities I care about. My answer to this one is also simple. If somebody has this issue, they should be given the choice of where all the other money could go. Call it a charity trust fund (not sure if that is the right word) They wouldn’t get the excessive amount of money, but they would have a say in where the money would go.

So with all that covered, please feel free to give me any more questions or potential problems that would make my idea impossible A.K.A. justify your potential selfishness to be awarded over a 100 million pounds! OK, maybe this last paragraph is supposed to make you feel guilty. But if you are selfish, I feel no guilt in labeling you it.

One Day In My Life

Tommy-G-Writes

One day in my life,
I’m gonna take you back to where it all began,
When I get better, you better watch out for the ghost of christmas past, he’s gonna haunt your house.

One day in my life,
I’m gonna take you back to when time began,
To when you began your role,
To when the stars lit up and then went out,
To when the darkness consumed my soul.

It’s because of you,
I have no doubt,
That one day, I’m gonna want out.
It’s because of you that I bear these scars, on my mind and my soul,
You put them there when you were not whole.
That’s why one day in my life,
I’m gonna forgive ya for all you’ve said and done,
For blowing out all the stars and my sun.

One day in this life,
One way or another,
We’re gonna be back together,

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Finding love on Grindr

On a gay note...

Grindr is still one of the most used social networking apps for dates and meets but can you actually find love on this app?

One thing that never changes are those questions that every gay man has initiated or been asked: Got a pic? Meet now? What are you looking for on here? Or in some cases, couple here looking for third.

What has happened to normal civilised conversations? It’s like squeezing blood out of a stone with some of the guys on here. Can’t we at least just go for a drink to get to know each other a little better before we act out a scene from Fifty Shades of Gay?!

Sexy snapbacks

I tend to be the person that always initiates the conversation but sometimes it’s like waiting for paint to dry before getting some sort of response from someone you like the look of. However a…

View original post 397 more words